Julia Hao

After Ocean Vuong

If you cannot fall asleep / count backwards from one hundred to one / the number you are left with before sleep takes over/ is the age you will be when you die / If you want to know who you will marry / it’s easy / their initials are on your bathroom walls / a letter made by your hair / The universe has a lot more secrets / prophecy is just a torso of air / The number of braids your grandmother’s sister gives you / is the total number of gifts you will receive on your birthday / When you want to know the color of the sunset / on the happiest day of your life / just look at the shortest crayon in your box / The longest one represents the color of your dress / on the saddest day of your life / If you want to know when that will be / just remember the month you were born / If you are ever afraid of dying / just think of how nothing ever stops existing / the world loves us too much to ever truly let go / the wind will carry all your sighs / so perhaps it does get better with time / But things are only easy when you can hold them / so much harder when they are just inside your heart / If you want to know the shape of your memories / just go home / If you want to know how hope ever goes on / just look inside your grandmother’s cabinet / If you want to know if your parents will come back for you / just watch their wedding video on VHS / The universe has a perfect memory / prophecy is just the future encroaching the present / If you want to know the last words you will ever say to her / just think of the hardest thing to say / these words you have never told her before / then you will know / that this is the first and last time you will ever tell her / I love you

Julia Hao is an undergraduate at Ateneo de Manila University majoring in creative writing, with a minor in gender studies. Her literary works and art have been published by the University of the Philippines’ Likhaan journal, Gantala Press, Novice Magazine PH, HEIGHTS Ateneo, the GUIDON, manywor(l)ds, and en*gendered. She is also the Founding President of Spaces for Women’s Art and Narratives (SWAN). For more, you can linger in her Instagram, @juliaavhao.